Josephine:"By all means: your criminals have had a fair trial, 
I suppose?"

Countess:"Trial."

Josephine:"Certainly!" 
"You can't possible kill anybody without a trial."
"That's elementary." "No man shall be deprived of his life, 
liberty or property without due process of law."

Countess:"They deprived us of ours."

Josephine:"That's not the point." 
"You're not accused of anything."
"Every accussed man, woman or child has the right to 
defend himself at the bar of justice." 
"So you see, in having a trial, you run no risk whatever."

Countess:"But if I give them the slightest cause for suspicion, 
I'll lose them."

Josephine:"There is a simple procedure prescribed in such cases."
"You can summon the defendants by calling them 
three times mentally, if you like." 
"If they don't appear, the court may designate an attorney
who will be represent them." 
"This attorney can then argue their case
to the court, in absentia, and a judgement can then be rendered,
in contumatio.

Countess:"But I don't know any laywers and
we have only ten minutes!"

Gabrielle:"Hurry, Josephine, hurry!"

Josephine:"In case of emergency, it is permissible for the court to order
the first passerby to act as attorney for the defence."
"A defence is like a baptism." 
"It's absolutely indispensable, 
but you don't have to know anything to do it." 
"Ask Irma to get somebody, anybody!"

Countess:"Who's up there Irma?"

Irma:"All our friends."

Countess:"And Ragpicker?"

Irma:"Yes."

Countess:"Send down the Ragpicker."

Countess:"Has irma told you?"

Ragpicker:"She said something about a trial."

Countess:"We're about to summon before the bar of justice 
all the wicked people of the world." 
"You have been appointed attorney for the defence.'

Ragpicker:"Terribly flattered, I'm sure."

Josephine:"Do you know the defendants well 
enough to undertake the case?"

Ragpicker:"I know them to the bottom of their soul." 
"I go through their garbage every day."

Countess:"Are you trying to prejudice the case?"

Ragpicker:"Oh no, Countess, no, 
permit me to make a suggestion." 
"Instead of speaking as an attorney, 
suppose I speak directly as defendant." 
"That way it will be more convincing, 
and it will be able to get into it more."

Josephine:"Excellent idea!"

Countess:"We don't want you to be too convincing."

Ragpicker:"Impartial, Countess, impartial."

Josephine:: Have you had time to prepare your case?"

Ragpicker:"How rich am I?"

Josephine:"Millions."

Countess:"Billions."

Ragpicker:"How did I get them?" 
"Theft? Murder? Embezlement?"

Countess:"Most likely."

Ragpicker:"Do I have a wife?" "A mistress?"

Countess:"Everything."

Ragpicker:"All right, I'm ready!"

Josephine:"Come in come, you may all take your places." 
"The trial is public."

Ragpicker:"May it please the honorable, 
august and elegant court?"

Josephine:"flattery will get you nowhere." 
"That will do.
"The defense has been heard." 
"Cross-examination."

Ragpicker:"Madame."

Countess:"Do you know with what you are charged?"

Ragpicker:"I can't for the life of me imagine." 
"My life is an open book." "My ways are known to all."
"I am a pilar of the church and the sole support of the Opera."
"My hands are spotless."

Countess:"What an atrocious lie!" "Just look at them!"

Constance:"You don't have to insult the man, he is only
lying to please you."

Countess:"Quiet!" "You still don't get the idea."
"You're charged with the crime of worshipping money."

Ragpicker:"Worshipping money?" "Me?"

Josephine:"Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"
"Which is it?"

Ragpicker:"Why, your honor?"

Countess:"Yes or no?"

Ragpicker:"Yes or no?" "No!" 
"I don't worship money, it is just the other way around." 
"Money worships me, it adores me, it won't let me alone."

Waiter:"Listen to that!"

Ragpicker:"It's damned embrassing, I can tell you."

Constance:"This is going a little far, I must say."

Countess:"You see where money leeds."

Ragpicker:"Yes, of course, because when you have no money
nobody trusts you, nobody believes you, nobody likes you."
"Because to have money is to be virtuous, 
honest, beautiful,and witty."
"And to be without it is to be ugly and boring 
and stupid and useless."

Ragpicker:"I propose to make war!" 
"I propose to conquer the world!"

Countess:"You have heard the defense,such as it is." 
"I demand a verdict of guilty!"

Ragpicker:"What are you talking about?"
"Guilty?" "I?" "I'll have you know I anm never guilty!"

Josephine:"I order you to be quiet!"

Ragpicker:"I am never quiet!"

Josephine:"Quiet in name of the law!"

Ragpicker:"I am the law!"
"When I speak, that is the law, when I present my backside, 
it is etiquette to smile and to apply the lips respectfully." 
"It is more than etiquette, it is a national privilege
guaranteed by the Constitution."

Josephine:"It's contempt of court." "The trial is over."

All:"Guilty!"

Josephine:"Guilty as charged!"

Countess:"then I have full authority to carry out the sentence?"

All:"Yes, Countess!"

Countess:"I can exterminate them?"

All:"Absolutely!"

Countess:"Congratulations, Ragpicker a marvellous defense."
"Absolutely impartial."

Countess:"Thank you my dear."
"Did you ever see a trial end more happily in your life!"
Irma:"Just lie down and close your eyes a moment!"

Countess:"But suppose they come?"

Irma:"I'll watch out for them!"